Precious Pregnancy

Back in June 2022, on a Wednesday morning, my husband and I found out I was pregnant! We were both so overjoyed when that test came back with two lines to indicate this news. My mother-in-law was visiting us at the time and she shared in our joy. 

But my joy was short-lived. Almost immediately my anxiety took over and I found myself in panic mode. You see, this was not the first time I had received a positive on a pregnancy test. The first time was July 2021. I was at the doctor's office to go over some unrelated test results and because I was a few days late getting my period that month, she had me take a pregnany test while I was at the clinic which immediately came back positive. I still needed to do a blood test to confirm, but I was over the moon! The next morning when the bleeding started and we drove to the ED that feeling was replaced with dread. 11 hours in hospital and we came home devasted - I was miscarrying. My doctor was encouraging; she said these things happen with first pregnancies. Often the body takes time to adjust to something new. But hey, at least we knew we could get pregnant. I was disappointed, sad, depressed even. This is not how I thought my life would go. I had not expected miscarriage to be a part of my story, but here we are. Then slowly I got my energy back and it seemed like everything was back on track. Then came January 2022. I was late getting my period again and the bells were going off in my head to test. After the previous time, I was so nervous about taking another test! I waited over a week before taking the test and when that test turned positive, I thought to myself that surely it would be different this time. But a few days later (before I could even make it to my first doctor's appointment), I started bleeding again. 

Following the second miscarriage, we requested to meet with a fertility specialist to find out if there was something else going on. Our doctor ran some tests just to be sure; a few weeks later we were given the bad news - my hormone levels showed that I was most likely headed for premature menopause. That was definitely not something I expected to hear at the age of 34! At our follow up appointment the specialist told us that this was probably the reason for my miscarriages. Women who were heading for menopause often have miscarriages. We were given the only option our specialist thought would work - IVF. Those were difficult times to be sure, but I won't get into it too much here - a story for another day! Fast forward to the first day of us starting our IVF journey, and what do you know - that morning in June I took that pregnancy test before my IVF appointment and it came up positive. Two blood tests following that test showed that my hormone levels were rising appropriately, and confirmed the pregnancy result. I was indeed pregnant. 

Over those early days I hoped that initial panic would go away, but it didn't. Those early weeks I worried that I would wake up bleeding, or that when we went for our first scan there would be nothing to see. Neither of those things happened. I caught the flu early on which only heightened my anxiety. I spent so much time coughing and sneezing that with each cough I was convinced I would miscarry. To add to this I was not experiencing any other obvious early pregnancy symptoms like nausea or tenderness. Fear and anxiety were my daily companions. It was like I was living in a fog that I couldn't shake. I wish I could tell you that these fears and anxieties disappeared over the course of the pregnancy - they did not. There was never a moment where it felt that if I could get over this hump, the rest will be smooth sailing. I struggle daily. I need comfort and reassurance daily. I need God daily. Even writing this blog post has been a challenge - I started writing this earlier in the pregnancy and kept needing to pause it because the fears overtook me. Now in October, at just over 24 weeks pregnant, I'm picking up where I left off. So I can 100% say that I am not writing this blog as someone who has 'overcome this' or 'gotten over it', instead I come to you as someone who is still walking this path, and I'm doing this one step at a time. 

Is this you?

Have you gone through something similar? Did you go or are you going through pregnancy after experiencing loss? You may find that you, like me, live for those ultrasounds, those doppler heartbeat checks and crave any movement from your little one, once you start feeling those precious movements. Or perhaps you get anxious before each ultrasound appointment, fearful you will hear the words "I'm so sorry, there is no heartbeat" and you find yourself holding your breath until you hear that reassuring sound of your bub's heartbeat. Perhaps you find yourself reaching for the phone to call your doctor at every cramp or abdominal pain, fearing the worst. Maybe you struggle to share the news of this pregnancy with friends and family or announcing on social media. Perhaps you struggle to make plans to bring your bub home (like making big purchases, or decorating a nursery) or plan things like baby showers, because at the back of your mind you have this nagging doubt as to whether your pregnancy will even get to that stage. And when other first time parents panic at the thought of parenthood, maybe you find yourself panicking instead at the thought of buying maternity or nursing clothes, car seats, bassinets, or other baby things because you think that somehow doing those things will jinx this pregnancy as well. 

You are definitely not alone in this! When I first started telling people about my loss (and later, losses), I was astounded at the number of women who came forward with their own story of loss. I was so encouraged - there are more of us than we know. The statistic is that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss - that's a really high number! That's a lot of mothers, fathers, grandparents, and others mourning this loss and often mourning in silence. God was good to me and He surrounded me with people who understood my loss (those who had gone through it and those who hadn't); they encouraged me and surrounded me with so much love. A friend told me about a Facebook group community that had helped her get through her loss, and I quickly joined one as well. This group was such a godsend when I was healing from my losses and it continues to be a blessing through this pregnancy. 

My advice to you - find your tribe! It could be fellow mommas who have gone through something similar, it could be your church group, your college friends, a support group, or anybody else who's got your back. This can be a challenge if you're not quite ready to talk about your loss or your experience being pregnant after loss, but you will be so blessed if you do have a tribe you can share with. Perhaps you can join an online group where you can share anonymously, or even just be encouraged by reading the stories of others. We were not meant to go through life alone (no matter what the popular belief is about independence). We were created for community, to bear each others burdens, and this is never more obvious to me as it is in times of loss. My prayer for you will be that you find a group that loves on you and can be an earthly expression of our Heavenly Father's love for you. 

Acknowledging Pregnancy Loss

One reason this journey of pregnancy loss (early loss, miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss) is extra challenging is how our society views this type of loss. This type of loss can been viewed as something only women undergo, and typically, things that affect only women are not talked about openly in society (and I don't mean Indian society or western society, I mean in society in general). Most women are advised to not announce pregnancies until after the end of the first trimester, when the probability of a miscarriage significantly lowers. Elders will also warn against telling those outside the family, sometimes until after the baby is born. And if the pregnancy does end in loss, then the loss is often not disclosed, especially to anyone outside of the immediate family. I don't believe these things are done out of malice, or out of superstition - just as a protection for the family and the woman who is going through the loss. And in all honesty, some women will need that protection as sometimes women are blamed for losing their babes while in the womb, like it's somehow the woman's fault. However, while it all comes from a good place, I don't believe that keeping these things a secret is helpful. Keeping loss a secret can feel like the world is pretending it didn't happen and hence it didn't matter. But this is NOT TRUE! Your loss matters, no matter how early it was. Your baby matters. 

A pregnancy, no matter how long it lasts, changes a family. Suddenly there are parents who no longer have a child to look forward to - moms and dads in the making who through no fault of their own, remain in this limbo state of "in-the-making". Mothers Day and Fathers Day celebrations become cruel jokes rather than holidays to look forward to and celebrate with loved ones. But this is not what we see in the Bible. In Psalms 139 it says

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

This verse is such a beautiful example of God's heart for the baby in his or her momma's womb; it shows that your baby matters to God. 

Pregnancy also physically changes a woman, way more than is commonly known or acknowledged. I remember with my first loss, I was so confused as to why I had to be in the hospital for so long. I was new to Australia at the time as well, and on the day of my loss they had to verify that my blood group (which I already knew was B+) was not one that would cause issues if the baby's blood accidentally got mixed in with mine. Because a baby, even at that early early stage, has its own DNA, its own blood group, all separate from mine. I also had so many follow up blood tests to track my hormone levels back to what they should be pre-pregnancy. My hormone levels went back to normal, but it never felt like my pre-pregnancy levels after that. There is also scientific evidence that fetal cells and DNA transfers into the mother's bloodstream from early pregnancy. Sometimes these cells can live on in the mother for decades - so you might carry the DNA of your baby in your body even if you lose your bub in early pregnancy. 

When we see all this, how can we not acknowledge that pregnancy loss matters? Loss is tragic. But in our aim to diminish its sting in the area of pregnancy, we have chosen to bury it instead of acknowledging it. And as any good therapist will tell you, burying your pain will not make it go away, and it will definitely not help you heal faster. Healing from loss is a difficult journey; it is not linear (time does not dull the ache), and there is no magic formula. But we can get through it one day at a time, with the help of God and others. 

When I struggled with my losses a friend suggested we do something to acknowledge our babies. Phil and I went out and bought a plant. We called our plant 'Hope'. This worked out so well for us because as we nurture it, and watch it grow, it reminds us of God's promise over our lives. We know we will meet our babies one day, and we have that hope in Jesus. We also know that even though we are hurting, that God has a purpose through that pain and we can trust Him through our circumstances.  

On a personal note: I find huge comfort in song when I am grieving; here is a spotify playlist I made with songs to help me cope. Feel free to listen, or to create your own. Here is the link

Relying on God. 

Now, back to my current pregnancy, which is a pregnancy after loss. I think God already knew what a mess I woud be, so He put so many things in place to periodically encourage me just as the anxiety would begin to take over. God consistently sent people (and continues to send) people into my life at just the right time to encourage and uplift me. Each time with a different message and an encouragement to lean on Him. 

1) Life is from God

This was first told to me by a friend when we were still looking at IVF, and specifically the ethical and Christian ramifications of pursuing IVF. We cannot will a baby into existence; we do our part, but God is the one who breathes life into the embryo, watches over a pregnancy and over the baby as he or she is developing in the womb. And that thought has been especially helpful to me during pregnancy. I can not will my pregnancy into being a success. My pleading and tears are no good here. But that is a good thing! Because it also means I cannot harm my baby unknowingly either. And that I didn't cause my miscarriages (for most first trimester miscarriages, the cause is said to be genetic anomalies in the baby that cause the mother's body to miscarry). God IS the author of life. And He DOES have the ability to sustain this baby in my womb according to His will - how amazing is that?! 

2) God's timing IS perfect

God's timing worked so perfectly for this pregnancy, and even at that early stage it was abundantly clear. We had planned for my parents to visit us around that time and as it happened they landed in Brisbane the week we found out about my pregnancy! They were here till we were almost halfway through my pregnancy. Considering we lived in a different country to them, and there were still some covid related travel restrictions in place, this was such a miracle. Even my sister (who lives in another country) was able to visit during this time! I felt so loved and cherished, and it was nice to have lots of helping hands around the house when I was laid up in bed with morning (more like all-day) sickness and nausea. 

3) God has our lives (and our bubs life) in his hands

The Uvalde elementary school shooting happened just before we fell pregnant with this baby and it shook me to my core. I just couldn't imagine what those parents must have felt! And with all this information I now had about pregnancy loss, or about babies conceived after year long battles with fertility, etc. my heart really cried. I just couldn't understand why, and I probably never will. This whole process of pregnancy, child-birth and parenting is so out of our control! There are too many variables to look out for, and try as I want, I cannot prevent bad things from happening to my baby - in my pregnancy, and when he or she is finally here in our arms and in our home. 

But I do know this - God IS in control in every situation. And He knows when bad things are going to happen. He holds my life, and my baby's life in His hands. And not just that - He loves my baby! More than I could possibly love him or her. All the promises in the Bible that I have taken as comfort over the years for myself are true for my baby as well. While this may seem so odd when we are faced with the tragedy that takes our babies away from us, it should actually be comforting. We look at our lives through the earthly lens we have right now -  but not so with God. He has the full picture in mind. Which is why it absolutely is wonderful that He loves me and my baby, and He knows when we breathe our first and last breath. But this is definitely not easy to accept.

4) Every good and perfect gift

To say that I struggled to enjoy the little moments of this current pregnancy would be such a big understatement! Every joy was clouded with fear or sadness - fear of future loss, and sadness that I didn't get to experience all this with the previous babies. One person, who was privvy to our story of loss, reminded me that it was still okay to get excited and feel joy at these precious moments of pregnancy. It is such a simple thing to say - it's okay to be happy, but it took a while to properly sink in. As a person I love to share my happy news with everyone. And it was taking a toll on me that I was letting fear keep me from being me. But this pregnancy IS beautiful, and it is an incredible gift from God. It really is okay to be thankful for every day of this pregnancy that I am still pregnant. 

As a way to celebrate each day and each week of pregnancy, I downloaded the "what to expect" app onto my phone and got the book "Praying through your pregnancy" by Carolyn Warren and Jennifer Polimino (a recommendation from another friend). Both app and book go through the development of the baby each week, and let me tell you, it is completely miraculous! It didn't calm my nerves completely, but it helped me develop some joy in the process. Phil and I celebrate the milestones with our baby, and we pray for our baby. It truly is all quite miraculous! 

5) Anxiety as a parent

Ah, anxiety my old friend. The person who spoke to me about my anxiety in pregnancy was actually our fertility specialist! And he did so in a rather dismissive way, which I did NOT appreciate at the time. We had gone for our very first scan at 6 weeks pregnancy and I was worried that I didn't have any pregnancy symptoms and I was concerned it meant the pregnancy was not viable. His response was to dismiss it and tell me that anxiety is so normal - I'm worrying about this this week, next week I'll worry the symptoms are too severe; as the pregnancy progresses I'll worry about other things; when the baby is born I might worry about how they're eating; when they're older I might worry about their friends - it will never end. He then proceeded to rush me into the scan room to start the scan, where he rather unceremoniously waved his hands and said "it's alive!" while pointing at the screen. I sat there rather stunned looking at the little bean with a pulsing light - my baby's heart beating away perfectly. But he was right - there was no sense in my anxiety. It had not done anything other than rob me of my joy. It had not changed the outcome of the scan. It is easy to slip into a pattern of worry and anxiety when we cannot know for sure but there are no certainties in life anyway, and this is no different. All we can do really, is trust God through the unknowns. 

6) Encouragement from His word - God's purpose 

This last one can be a bit of a challenge to accept. It was not a single person who spoke to me about this, causing a light-bulb effect, it was more like a slow realization, affirmed through many others, and something that Phil and I would say to each other. Our losses and the subsequent current pregnancy, all have purpose in God's eyes. I don't like to admit this to myself or even think about this - what kind of God's purpose depends on taking a child from their mother? It seems to cruel to think about. Again there is not much I can say on this, because I still don't understand. 

Many are the plans in the mind of a man,
but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. - Proverbs 19:21

The Bible is full of verses surrounding God's purpose here on earth. To fulfil this purpose, He even allowed His son Jesus to be sacrificed on the cross. Perhaps the purpose of my losses was connecting with other women and being an encouragement to them. Perhaps it was learning to be vulnerable and open to my new church community in our home in Brisbane. Or perhaps it was so I would get a crash course in the health system here in Australia before our baby arrived. Or that God's name would be glorified in my current pregnancy, which has been such a miraculous story so far. Maybe, all of the above? We will probably never know on this side of eternity, but it's definitely something I find comforting.

Affirmations

Last but not least is affirmations. I read a book on anxiety once and it talked about the negative spiral and the circular, negative thoughts that can cause this spiral. One way to stop the negative feedback loop is to focus on positive affirmations - speaking truth into those anxious spaces. In my pregnancy after loss facebook group, this list gets shared every now and then as an encouragement to mommas who are pregnant after loss(es). These are points from the list, feel free to add your own points to this list and use as needed. 

1. Today I am pregnant and I love my baby.
2. I am pregnant with a healthy, growing baby until I am told otherwise.
3. I have been chosen to be this baby's momma and I am happy. 
4. My past is not my future, and previous losses do not mean I will have future losses.
5. Just because someone else is having a loss that doesn't mean I will. Miscarriage and loss are not contagious, but fear can be. 
6. Hope does not make bad things happen. I cannot jinx my pregnancy by getting my hopes up or by telling someone about it.
7. There is nothing I can change with worry. Worrying about whats not in my hands does not prevent it from happening. And if it happens again - I know I can survive.

Here are some of my additions to the list:

1. I did not cause my previous losses nor can I will this pregnancy into being a success. 
2. God is in control. 

Along with these, I also created a new spotify playlist to meditate on. I've filled this one with songs on faith, and about God's promises to us. They say after about week 18 the baby starts to hear things from inside the womb. My prayer for my daughter (yes, it's a girl!) is that she will hear these songs as she hears her mumma sing them out loud and will learn these truths from the very beginning. 

Link to my Spotify Playlist