In His Time

For the past couple of weeks Phil and I have been talking much about adoption. It wasn't completely out of the blue as this is something we had talked about before we got married. But for something we've both wanted, we realized we know next to nothing about the actual process. As it happened, a couple of my friends are at different stages in the adoption journey and I've been witnessing with great anticipation and excitement as they move through the steps in the process. We're not quite ready to adopt yet, so I was a bit hesitant starting the conversation with anyone, in case it was misunderstood. But this past week my curiosity got the better of me as I broached the topic cautiously with a friend after doing some preliminary internet research. Unfortunately what I found left me feeling rather distraught. It seemed like there were too many obstacles in the journey if we were to look at adoption in Australia, and as we're no longer residents of India, adoption in India would be quite impossible. Even our age seemed to be against us! I came home in a panic feeling that we need to get on this asap if we wanted even a chance at adopting a child because it might already be too late to start the process. Phil couldn't understand what had come over me (it didn't help that he shrugged it off and said he wasn't too worried about it 😅)

The truth is there was nothing I learned that day that I didn't already know - there might be lengthy wait times for adoption, and it is complicated adopting from India now that we live in Australia. But somehow hearing my fears voiced out loud like that made it seem more real and I couldn't shake this anxiety that I started feeling. I started reflecting on my anxieties, and I realized it stemmed from a place of feeling like I was a fraction too late for life's big moments. And that was a feeling, something I have felt quite often in life.

I remember back to when I was a pre-teen and jeans weren't particularly common; I remember when all my friends started wearing jeans that I really wanted a pair. But but by the time I got my first pair of jeans and wore them out for the first time, I found that my friends had moved on to the next fashion trend and this huge moment in my life was no longer relevant. I remember back in high-school when everyone was starting to date and I was so excited because I finally got my first boyfriend - it didn't seem to matter anymore as everyone else had "been there, done that". After high school graduation everyone headed off to universities across the globe to start their lives as adults and I was stuck at home in a gap year (it didn't matter that I had wanted to take a gap year, instead, all I was feeling was that I was being left behind). By the time I started my first year, my school friends had already moved on from talking about their first year college experiences. Fast forward a few years when everyone was marrying their college/post-college significant other and my college relationship was barely hanging on by a thread. After college graduation, my friends started careers, or went on to do their masters, or started a family, and I started another gap year doing part time jobs here and there. The relationship hanging on by a thread ended in due time. Even in this I felt I was being left behind.

This feeling intensified through the years and was magnified by not only my own ideas of what milestones should be happening in my life, but also what others pointed out should be happening. Not just for trivial things like jeans and getting the coolest/newest cell phones in college, but for bigger things. And I discovered that the times that it was for something far more significant was when I was prone to make wrong choices that were rooted in those anxieties. Like that college relationship. I knew that the relationship wasn't right for either of us, but because it was happening at the "right time", i.e. the time that things like this were supposed to happen according to society and my own preconceived notions, I was so tempted to stay in it and make it work. Thankfully for me and the guy involved, God decided to intervene quite decisively and things ended quickly, albeit painfully. But that fear of being left behind didn't end with that. Every time something exciting happened in someone else's life, that familiar feeling of anxiety cropped up again.

Does this mean I have lived a really unfulfilled life? That I am unhappy with how things turned out in my life? And the answer is NO. I love my life and I wouldn't change any of it. God has given me so many good things in my life. Even during times when it felt like my life was on pause, I experienced rich and meaningful friendships, I got to connect with my parents on a completely different level as an adult and build a deeper relationship with them. I even enjoyed my singleness immensely (most of the time!). And God has brought about most of the things I was waiting for in my life at the time that has been utterly perfect.

So when I reflect on my anxieties from today and my fear of missing out on adoption and try to understand it, it comes down to my own expectations of my life rather than God's expectations. I think about the words of the song "In His time" and how apt they are for times like this:

"In his time, in his time
He makes all things beautiful
In his time

Lord please show me everyday
As you're teaching me your way
That you do just what you say
In your time"

There is immense trust in this song, but more than the trust is the prayer in the words. Even though I know in my mind that God does bring about good things at the right time, my heart finds it hard to rest in that promise. I need this prayer everyday. And I need God to teach me his ways everyday. Because I know God has promised good in my life. Not "good" as I understand it, but "good" as God has ordained it. And I know that He is with me in my life always, in the exciting times and life's milestones, and through periods of calm. What does this mean practically for my current situation? Does that mean that whenever we are ready, adoption will happen for us? To be honest, I don't know. Perhaps when we are ready, we will find that things will fall into place easily with no stress. Or perhaps we will face every obstacle there is. But I know that I can safely hope in God that He will be with us through it all and He will carry us through, no matter the circumstances.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11